heart break

yesterday i broke things off with matthew. my heart hasn't stopped literally aching since sunday night.

i found out last wednesday that he's been lying to me about telling his parents about me. he kept telling me that they know and that he talked to them about coming out. it was all bull crap. i asked him why he lied to me and he said because he knew how important it was to me. so i asked him why he didn't tell his parents in the first place and he said because he hadn't found the opportune time.

i decided monday that i was gonna give him one week to tell his parents and talk to them about coming out. so i told him that night and he just said ya ok i will. but i didn't believe him. now that i know he's been lying to me all this time, i can't help but wonder what else he's been lying to me about and what else he would have lied to me about. so tuesday i decided after a lot of tears that i was going to end it that night with him. he wouldn't answer my phone calls or text messages. so i had to get it over with, i couldn't wait any longer. so i called him and left him a message. he text messaged me at like 1130 saying oh wow im sorry i was in a movie with friends but i guess this is it. so i asked him to skype with me.

while we were on skype i asked him why he didn't tell his parents, his stuck to his story that he wanted to tell them at the opportune time. i told him that the only way he could make this better is if he talked to his parents and asked them about coming out here. but every time i brought it up, he would get really mad. he was hitting his desk and wouldn't talk to me about it. it was so frustrating.

so we kept going back and forth and he told me that he hopes i have a good night and that he loves me. so he said that he would tell his parents so i guess things weren't really over. but at school i texted him and said i couldn't do it. that i didn't think he would change. he sent one back saying that he loves me and always will but that he understands. so of course i text him back asking him to fight for me but he just said he doesn't deserve me and never did. i wanted him to fight for me and kept asking him to, but he wouldn't. so we skyped again when i got home from school and it was the same thing. he didn't want to talk about the problem. he just wanted to tell me that he loves me and i'm important to him and have things go back to normal. he kept getting mad when id ask him to talk to his parents and tell him that it's the only way this would work. so that conversation ended with him hanging up on me then texting me saying he loves me but needs time.

so right before home group i sent him another text saying that i love him so much and i tried so hard to make things work, but i just didn't feel like he was willing to fix the problem and tell his parents. he sent one back saying that he loves me and that he knows he lied but one thing he never lied to me about is how he felt about me. so i sent one back but i really don't remember what it said. then he sent another one and said that he loves me and that i will always be in his thoughts so i said i love you. bye.

ah then this morning he sent me a text saying that he hopes i have a good day and he was thinking about me so i said that i hoped so bad he would have fought harder for me. he hasn't said anything.

i just don't understand. his brother and sisters know, his siters fiance knows all this friends know, why couldn't he tell him parents? it doesn't make any sense to me at all. i asked him so many times to fight for me, but he wouldn't. he just kept saying that he loves me. i can't help but question now if he really did love me. all these lies, it just makes it hard to know for sure. i want to believe so bad that he did love me and want to spend the rest of his life with me, but its hard. i just don't see how we can have a relationship if he doesn't come out here. how could our relationship have gone any farther if we never saw each other. it would just be strictly an online relationship. then what would happen when winter came around, would he just keep making up excuses as to why he couldn't come out? i just couldn't do it anymore.

the hardest thing about this is that i'm still so in love him. i want to make this work. it hurts so bad not talking to him. but he's not willing to make things work and to fix this problem.

i don't know how long its gonna take to get over this one, i don't know if i will.